Savage Love: Mind Games and Monkey Pox | wild love | Orlando

0

Q: I have been with my wife for 10 years. We are both 36 years old. We moved in quickly and didn’t take the time to learn certain things about each other. For example, I watch porn, which she only discovered after we moved in. She had a visceral reaction. She told me it was a dealbreaker for her, not a negotiation. I agreed to quit but I didn’t. Fast forward 10 years and now I am medicated for ADHD which makes it much easier to avoid impulsive behaviors like watching porn. We nearly divorced because of this problem, as well as my toxicity before I received treatment for my ADHD. I brought my share of negativity to the wedding.

Now, as it stands, the agreement we have is that I will not watch any type of porn. This is where we really start to differ. For her porn is masturbating to ANYTHING. Do you watch porn? Prohibited. Do you watch women in bikinis? Prohibited. Fall on something that sexually charges me and masturbate on it? I betrayed his trust. So, I don’t watch “porn” anymore but I feel extremely resentful about how I’m controlled. The latest example was when she was helping our child play a game on a device that needed to be connected to Facebook. Mine was connected and a message came up with a recent conversation. I thanked a friend there for being there for me, checking on me, sending jokes, etc. This friend likes to send funny memes, some of which are risque. I mentioned that I enjoyed his jokes, even those that would have “upset my wife.” She now accuses me of using friends (and memes) as loopholes to get around my promise NOT to watch porn.

I am so tired. I am so ashamed of masturbation now and feel like I have no intimacy. We’re about to see another couples counselor. Suggestions for me?
Worried about this constant harassment that erodes the relationship

A: I don’t know exactly what your wife had to endure. You mention toxic behavior on your part before seeking treatment for ADHD. Toxic energy, toxic actions, toxic toxins – whatever you’ve done, I’m going to assume your bullshit is close to intolerable, OBSERVER, and award your wife some points for putting up with your bullshit.

That said… giving up porn is a price of admission that some are willing to pay. A person with a healthy relationship with pornography – someone who can enjoy pornography in moderation, someone who can use pornography without sexually neglecting their partner and/or being indifferent to their partner’s feelings – sometimes falls in love with ‘a person who, for whatever reason, can’t stand the idea of ​​their partner watching porn. Some people have sensitivities, others have insecurities; some on the left have political objections, some on the right have religious objections. I would never agree to give up porn, but a reasonable person might agree to quit watching porn (or pretend to have quit watching porn) for someone they love.

But if the person who insisted their partner stop watching porn defines absolutely everything as porn — porn itself, non-porn photos, beautiful people walking down the street, memes shared by friends — then it was never about porn. It wasn’t about their insecurities or their political objections or their cherished religious beliefs. It was a question of control. And the worst thing about controlling people is that they are never satisfied. No matter how much control a romantic partner gives up, it’s never enough. A controlling person’s demands slowly increase at the start of a new relationship, when it’s still relatively easy for someone to end things. But once the relationship is harder to break – once leases are signed, marriages celebrated, children born – the demands of the controlling person not only escalate rapidly, but also tend to become more arbitrary and irrational. (No memes? Really?)

Your wife’s bullshit is intolerable, WATCHER, and you shouldn’t put up with it.

Everyone has the right to privacy, even married people. Similarly, everyone enjoys a zone of erotic autonomy, even married people. Experiences you fantasize about, when and how you masturbate, things you can safely do without violating your monogamous commitment and/or putting your partner at risk…not only should no one try to take these things from you, they it is in no one’s power to take these things from you. We cannot monitor our partner’s fantasies. Ideally, our partners feel safe to share their fantasies with us and involve us to the extent that we can or wish to be involved. But we can’t stop our partners from watching what they want to watch, as long as they pay attention to when and where, and we certainly can’t stop our partners from thinking about whatever they want. think, dick in hand or no dick in hand.

Get a divorce. Or improve your ability to tell your wife what she insists on hearing, to do what you want when you are safe in the erotic autonomy zone, and to cover your tracks.

PS If the last couples counselor you saw didn’t turn to your wife at the end of your first session and say, “You’re a fucking psycho”, they sucked at their job. .

Q: I’m a gay man and I have a question about monkeypox. I have been seeing a male escort for several years and have formed a friendly relationship with him. We both received the monkeypox vaccine at the end of June. My question is should I stop seeing him while monkeypox is still rife. Some additional info – he still advertises for clients online and he told me he is still sexually active and doesn’t always use condoms. I know he’s in a precarious financial situation, that’s why he escorts, so I don’t blame him for doing what he has to do. He pays the bills. Honestly, I miss him and our intimate relationship, but I’m scared of getting monkeypox even though we’re both vaccinated. Should I take a break before seeing him because he still has sex with several people?
Worried about monkeypox

Go to Savage.Love for Dan’s answer to this question and more: [email protected]
Listen to Dan on the Savage Lovecast
Follow Dan on Twitter: @FakeDanSavage

Share.

Comments are closed.