At various times this winter, I realized that baseball would never, ever come back. It’s good that my accomplishments ended up being stupid. Where is it?
I guess it depends on whether or not the 2022 Cleveland Guardians trend toward their best, worst, or most likely results during the regular season. For the first time in several years, I can say without any hesitation that I have absolutely no idea what this team is going to do.
As always, we’ll start with the worst-case scenario. Honestly, I don’t know if that’s what we usually start with. You’re not going to check, and that’s actually how a lot of the culture goes.
Is not it creepy?
Worst case scenario: 81-81
WAIT JUST A DARN SECOND YOU PULL MY LEG HERE SCOOTER HOW CAN A .500 RECORD BE THE WORST CASE SCENARIO?
In a vacuum, this is not the case. However, Major League Baseball is completely broken because the owners continue to exploit the workforce and even buy whole quarters with reckless abandon. Baseball teams. They named it Wrigleyville as a joke. BUBBLE. GUM. TOWN.
The owners claim to be unable to afford contracts that are fairly insignificant compared to the league average while remaining silent about the additional $60 million in revenue they pocket from national TV deals alone this offseason.
So an 81-81 record would signal to the ownership that they have once again done the bare minimum to keep fans interested. They would make no investment in the team and trade both Shane Bieber and José Ramírez in order to keep the carousel going.
And we would continue to buy things. Just wait for commercials where Flo is the “guardian” of Progressive Field. People will eat it.
Best-case scenario: Major League Baseball folds
Major League Baseball exploits young men by promising them huge salaries in order to get the most out of them. Keep in mind that these are human beings trying to do this thing they love. A tiny fraction of those players make real money, and a tiny fraction of those sign a non-rookie contract.
Players are the only reason the sport still exists and so they should run the leagues. Don’t tell me owners have to pay for stadiums or other nonsense when everyone can clearly see them coercing and bullying others into going bankrupt or destroying themselves just to avoid lifting a finger. It’s actually presidential behavior now.
I can’t take the league seriously until a drastic change happens. Here’s a good start: Major League Baseball’s monopoly is based on the idea that they don’t participate in interstate commerce. There’s a SCOTUS decision and everything. By the way, don’t they have gaming and cryptocurrency sponsors?
Pitch clocks, corn. That’s what this great game needs.
Most likely scenario: 81-81
Cleveland stumbles out of the gate as he struggles to find his footing. They navigate a few games below .500 until the All-Star break. A midseason call-up lights a fire under the team and a long single-digit winning streak puts them in position to make a playoff run.
Then someone will make a horrible outfield mistake; José Ramírez’s helmet will fly into a referee and the referee will throw him out of play, causing the benches to clear; somehow, Cal Quantrill will step on a hive of yellow jackets during a game; a Tigers player will teach local crows to fly behind the pitcher and scream every time he pitches; etc
At this point, it becomes clear that the Guardians are going to fall just before the playoffs. So they’ll trade Bieber, and they’ll trade Ramírez, and they’ll trade [That Other Guy You Love]. And we’ll start the whole charade all over again.
If that doesn’t sound like fun, that’s because it’s not meant to be. The property saw it could run a mediocre team on the pitch every April. Sometimes a few players will surprise them and they will make one or two acquisitions and push for an extra season. Then they will reduce the payroll.
The only thing that could possibly break this cycle is the extremely talented group of incredibly underpaid men who can’t rent a car right now.
In the meantime, Major League Baseball is sponsored by a company that drops generic Viagra on your doorstep called “Roman”.